If you have to ask ... never mind

The three great virtues:

#!/usr/bin/perl -w
use strict;
$_="28270614090104111426052921121629002526131802192908";
s/../substr("laziness, impatience, and hubris",$&,1)/eg;
y|\160\142\155\172;
|\120\112\157\153|;
print;

Time to hack:

#!/usr/bin/perl -w
use strict;
map{$_=pack"c5",map$_+96,(gmtime$_)[0..4];y;pjbi;PJ, ;;print;}
qw(1003605670 1000998841 992683085 981623538 984892263);

or if you like one-liners:

perl -e 'map{$_=pack"c5",map$_+96,(gmtime$_)[0..4];y;pjbi;PJ, ;;print;}qw(1003605670 1000998841 992683085 981623538 984892263);'

There can be only one (as seen on perlmonks):

#!/usr/bin/perl -w                    # there can be only one

                                 use strict;
                               $_='$_={one((
                           one($")<<1)^one(
                        $/))}{{one((one($;)
                     <<($^=(one($/)>>1)>>1)
                 +1)+one($/)>>1)}{{{one(((
              one($;)<<$^+1)+one($/)>>1)-$
           ^)}{{{one(((one($;)<<$^+1)+one(
                          $/)>>1)-1)}{one 
                          (one($"))}{{one
                          ((one($;)<<$^)^
                         (one($")>>1)+1)
                         }{one((one($;)<
                         <$^)-$^)}{{one(
                        ((one($;)<<$^)-
                        $^)+1)}}{one(((
                        one($;)<<$^+1)+
                       one($/)>>1)-1)}
                       {one(($~=$=)<<1
                       ^one($")>>1)}{{
                      {one((one($;)<<
                      $^)-one($/)-1)}
                      {one(((one($;)<
                     <$^+1)+one($/)>
                     >1)-$^-1)}{one(
                     one($"))}}{one(
                    one($/)<<$^+1)}
                    {one((one($;)<<
                    $^)-one($/)-1)}
                   {one(((one($;)<
                   <$^+1)+one($/)>
  >1)-$^-1)}}}{{{one(((one($;)<<$^)-$^)-$^)}}}{one(
 one($"))}}{one(($~=$=)<<1^one($")>>1)}}{{one((one
 ($;)<<$^)-(one($")>>1)+1)}{one((one($;)<<$^)-(one
 ($")>>1)+$^+1)}}{{one(($~=$=)<<1^(one($")>>1)+$^+
1)}{one((one($;)<<$^)-one($/)-1)}{one(((one($;)<<
$^+1)+one($/)>>1)-$^-1)}}{one($=^(one($")>>1))';s
;{one;chr;g;y;{ne}}\012\040;.rd.;sd;eval;print;#1

My 2 cents worth (as seen on perlmonks):

#!/usr/bin/perl -w           # my 2 cents worth

                   use strict;
               $_='$_=tue($=+(two
           ($;)>>(two($;)>>2+2))){tue
         (too(two(tue($=+(two($;)>>(two
       ($;)>>2+2))))+(two($;)>>2+2))){tue
     (too(two(tue($=+(two($;)>>(two($;)>>2+
    2))))+(two($;)>>2+2))-2){tue(too(two(tue
   ($=+(two($;)>>(two($;)>>2+2)))))){tue(too(
  too(two($;)>>(two($;)  >>2+2)))){tue(too($=+
 +(two($;)>>2+2))){tue    ((two($;)<<2)-2){tue
((two($;)<<2)-(two($;     )>>2+2)){tue(too(two(
tue($=+(two($;)>>(two     ($;)>>2+2)))))){{tue
                         (too($=+(two($;)>>2)+
                        (two($;)>>2+2))){{tue
                      (too($=+(two($;)>>2)-
                     2)){{{tue(too($=+(two
                   ($;)>>(two($;)>>2+2))
                  -2)){tue(too(too(two(
                 $;)>>(two($;)>>2+2)))
                ){tue(too(too(too(too
               (two($;)>>(two($;)>>2
             +2)))))){{tue(too($=+
            (two($;)>>2)-2))}tue(
           too($=+(two($;)>>(two
          ($;)>>2+2))-2)){tue((
        two($;)<<2)-((two($;)
       >>2>>2)<<2))}tue(too(
      too(two($;)>>(two($;)
     >>2+2))))}}tue(too($=
   +(two($;)>>2)+(two($;)>>2+2)))}}tue(too($=+(
  two($;)>>2+2)))}}tue(too((two($;)<<(two($;)>>
 2>>2))+(two($;)>>2)))}}}tue((two($;)<<2)-((two
($;)>>2>>2)<<2)-(two($;)>>2>>2))}}}tue(too($=+(
two($;)>>2)-2))}}}tue(too($=+(two($;)>>(two($;)
>>2+2))-2))}}}tue(too(too(two($;)>>(two($;)>>2+
2)))+(two($;)>>(two($;)>>2+2))-2);';y;{};..;sd;
s;two;ord;g;s;too;hex;g;s;tue;chr;g;eval;print;

Yet Another Perl Conference (as seen on perlmonks):

#!/usr/bin/perl -w                      # Yet Another Perl Conference
use strict;$_=',&>-Elaine_Ashton;[$`Greg_Bacon+%*\.@:Sean_Burke`;/},`
:^)<&/`Peter_Braam~)=->~Mark-Jason_Dominus[#+-=Jonathan_Eizenzopf+.`*
$.)?(Mike_Fletcher=}/Joseph_Hall%-"*?{>:.`/Dick_Hardt;@$++-!.]\)@:(?@
$^Steve_Jenkins(%^+<@;:>%!{Benjamin_Holzman{?(@<|\=)Rosie_Jones(=(;&*
`;~&%<\`^;+.?Kevin_Lenzo?}`<\Michael_McClennen>;!=~-|?Joe_McMahon("-<
`/     =(*)~     )((&!       =}|~[}             >#]}"<           -+/^
:+-     `%^     "/&==         ,+":-              *.::             <%|
@"!     \~^     #)?\[    |    $*+>;     #=$%     [?&+     ,"-     @?>
$-\$     *     ~[]<#+    }    =~,-%     ](^*<     .$     @&)[*     ;\
:,*:     !     *)+?=>    [    +:;(^     +>("\     ~)     >{&>&     ^<
\{+.>         &$.(?}     =     (;$(     ={`+^     =[     -&\,!     @#
(=,:&         $<;&":     @     +\>-     :${.     \>>     #/,|"}["\.~|
]^,~";       $?}%<:}           !^.+              [-)     "`&&:!]`/^-^
},<#@;       [):?!(%           {!%)             }|))     *Larry_Wall*
:+$\!<<     %)|(*:%     ,[.     {+$     ?>=`--@`+<|@     ]#&-]?|~/#}\
{&=?>=*     |/]/"^,     [%}     =:&     {|"}\&%%&%.(     =~,%$;/.#|?&
}-(),{)     -(~:)\<     "+>     ~<]     `!,^;}"|).@,     !,!~@     ){
|-@#*<|     #@%=/%&     %=&     \][     [`)+`$/$!?%^     #$&<`     ]:
&?/;>#~     #~?\(;     -%?<>     )>     =*,(\{{(^)/?     !,<<#     ++
@?{?:?{     //~-("     ./|.<     !|     }%~`:{?.=<@!&     (]"     (|"
=/-|-`=     \>".@)     ><%[}     ;.     =$?]?~/[[@(@#             <+>
*?&?"(%     /[#,}"     $~$[[     [{     <^.;&{]>{<@>>~           ;=;#
"=/:%{/,;:Kevin_Miller:`]($~Brad_Murray$*-%=[?/$-/%{=@Chris_Nandor]<=
]@$?+|David_Nicol?",{*(^Jon_Orwant&">#,+?@|&$Les_Peters-~&\!-($""+\[.
./]$.,:#Jeff_Pinyan#.+^.">.;\(Robert_Rhode{)^,$>@*)"Randal_Schwartz.}
<+Michael_Schwern=#?|)Barry_Slaymaker")*~`Steve_Snodgrass*[~;@{|)("/@
^@?>[Jon_Steffy}-[&|.*{~=$"}&>Adam_Turoff[]-{`=Chris_Winters`|.<;(~@(
<*\;^:|[:*&>@Uri_Guttman](<;}>>#(<|brian_d_foy=;`)!"("/Abigail>+)([{=
';map{$_=chr(eval(join"+",map{ord}split//)&127);print}split/\n/;#yapc

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